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Perseverance.

Was one of our alma mater's values.

Which can be applied in everything.

DAAAMN, my hufflepuff days.

"You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true,
And unafraid of toil."

Monday, October 19, 2015

Happiness.

I miss being happy.. Genuinely happy..
Tho I have someone who could pull me up now, but I still fall back to the same negative hole. I have so many feelings in me being suppressed.. I really want to let it all out.

I still remember how I closed myself up.. At the MRT, I randomly looked at a guy and the word "slut" rang through my mind. That's when I became so self-conscious about EVERTHING going in my life and in my head. I closed my heart up so that I won't have to take anymore pain. I'm so caught up in my head that I drift between imaginations and reality.. More of, lost touch of reality. And I really hated it.. It's not what I want.. I wanna go back to who I was.

Someone without secrets, someone who purely lives to make people happy.

But how do you make people happy when you're sad all along? You act.

There are just so many times when I don't really give a damn about anything, and just want to sleep.
Just waiting for someone to know what to do to pull me out of this misery..

It's not that I have the choice to care or not, it's just to prevent myself from anymore hurt.. But honestly, I would love to care like before. And I wish someone wouldn't care about all these shit in me, love me and break down my walls.

Maybe I really suck in relationship, I wasn't as good as I thought I would be.

I wished that one particular person was my first love.. So that these scars, nightmares and shadows would never exist. So much anxiety in me to not make any mistakes, to not promise so much and I can't function properly everyday.. 'cause I keep feeling, this is not how I'm suppose to feel.

I just wanna get better, I'm desperately trying my best to do whatever I can to breakdown myself so I can set myself free.. I really really don't mean to hurt anyone..

Some rage and hate still stirs in me.. And it's towards happy people and myself.

"Nobody said it was easy.."

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Being heartless..

...To protect the ones close to you.

Have you ever been in this situation, when you know leaving should be the best solution but you want to stay and find some other ways because you don't want to give up that easily? Yet every minute kills because you know you shouldn't be here, you shouldn't do this and you lie to yourself to create a fantasy to keep yourself sane.

Maybe no one understands.. But being someone with a high level of consciousness, it kills my soul everyday that I have to hide the bleeding, to hide the tears and to know that your presence is actually hurting someone.

And you are left with one choice, that's to leave, in the most heartless and cruel way so that you sharpen the blade and cut things into pieces.. while crying inside. You stay detached.. your heart beats at half beats and you're going crazy in your head to hide everything that's about to explode.

All the emotions swirling within yourself, so much so you turned immune to them. If you don't, you'll just be crying and be emotionally drained.

Slowly, you detach yourself from reality, people and yourself. You react by the way you remember how normal people react, trying your best to ignore the pain that demands to be felt. It's so tough.

You want to be there, but you know that you can't and you shouldn't be.

And so, you tell the person you don't love them because you love them enough to know they deserve someone else. You take anger out to cover your sadness, to cover your apologies and to cover all the other emotions

You want to treat the person well, but you fully understand that you don't have the position to.

And it all sucks, really. You just wished you could sleep things away.


Here's to all the lies spoken to keep someone happy, away from your hurt, to give strength while knowing everything is going to fall apart one day.

Break up is tough.
Maybe I should be grateful at the amount of "break up" in this relationship, that I became prepared for the ruined day. This Tuesday, everything shall come to an end. Maybe a restart in this empty life. Time to love myself and everyone around me..

Let's go back to kindness and willingness to help people. :)
I might not be a virgin anymore, I may not have my innocence anymore, but a kind heart defeats all judgments. Those who knows, knows.

Currently my heart's full of regrets.
As expected, love can be such a nightmare.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Just some thoughts.

Do read up on this: http://therealsingapore.com/content/stop-saying-lee-kuan-yew-founding-father-singapore?fb_action_ids=1042553569103350&fb_action_types=og.comments

(BTW, WHY IS TRS STILL ON THE INTERNET.)

So like the author, I just wanna voice out my opinion. Let's do it quote by quote!

"...what he did in the past was necessary and that communism is very dangerous. Is it really?"
Yeah, it is, really.
You know what's to learn from history and not let history repeat? Yeah, communism is dangerous and I swear there would be more conflicts, riots, segregation and bloodshed if communists are allowed to voice and spread the idea. And I can tell you, you won't like communism if it were to happen (http://people.howstuffworks.com/communism.htm). Communism will slow down the progress and development of a country.
I understand it's cruel to lock them up without trial but it was important at that point of time if Singapore has to progress from slum, any gridlock we'll still be in kampongs.

"Now, I understand many of you would have great respect for Lee Kuan Yew because you learnt from your History and Social Studies textbook that he was the 'Founding Father' of Singapore and without him Singapore would only be a fishing village."
No, you do not understand. It's because what he and his team did had an enormous visible result to the whole world. Go on and think how it would be without him, will it be the same? Of course not.
Btw, he is ONE OF the Founding Fathers of Singapore.

"I would say that more than 50% of the readers at The Real Singapore are retards because they completely believe what they learn about LKY from the propaganda mainstream media as well as their history textbook!"
The Real Singapore website is retard itself, why are you posting it therreee? Anyways, the history books do write about him throwing people into jail and we have archived videos of his actions, so are we not to believe in that or to believe in that? Every government has propaganda, for goodness sake, if you run a country, you too would have propaganda saying how right is your policy and how wrong if others were to think otherwise. Go on and wonder about how you want this perfect political world, and think if it's going to work.

"...the British were the ones responsible for transforming Singapore from a fishing village to a vibrant city. Not LKY, all he did was betrayed the founders of PAP, throw them into prison without trail and impose failed "stop at two" policy and close down all the privately owned newspaper company and in the process destroy almost all forms of freedom of speech in Singapore."
The British transformed the fishing village into just a port because of the good location, and they just wanted more power. They did not clear up the Singapore River, they did not propose to build HDB, they did not ask enterprises to establish in SG, they did not form the SAF, they did not suggest about the MRT, they did not build Changi Airport, they did not set the bilingual policy, and the list goes on.
Then we have the "stop at two" policy mentioned again. Wah, like politicians must never make a mistake 'cause they're not humans horh. At that time the unemployment was high too, Singapore was undeveloped and with people in poverty having so many kids, you know what kind of life they would lead, don't you?
And too much freedom of speech would cause imbalance in the nation, but you're having your freedom of speech now.

"More than 50% of the Singaporeans being surveyed wants to migrate if they were given a chance to. Singapore is also one of the most brain drained country (Do Note: Serious Brain Drain problems usually only happens in developing countries where the educated people migrate out of their 3rd world country to earn more money outside)"
Yeap, so you said it, Singapore is developing and we have educated people which is waaaay better than before. No one is stopping them from migrating tho! They will be another country's problem that's it. Just like how these people have the mindset and reasons to migrate and be FTs somewhere else, it's similar to all the FTs here. How the heck is this LKY's fault, he's not anyone to control our movements. Do you want to impose a law saying all Singaporeans must work and die on the grounds of Singapore?

"3 out of 10 educated Singaporeans migrated overseas, which means 30% of the money pumped into education is wasted.  Oh okay, THANK YOU LEE KUAN YEW for that!"
So, what do you suggest? To take away 30% and increase school fees?
Not really say wasted you know, they took their education and led a life with it. We have our own people surviving on our education overseas, so it's ok for me.

"Go and speak to any of the malay community in Singapore and they would tell you how much they hate Lee Kuan Yew and his racist remarks!"
I've heard the hate before, but I accept it because no one should be racist. But you do see Malays and Muslims in the parliament now right, not that he says let's discriminate Malays and leave them alone. You can't just live your life hating and hating and bearing grudges, your life still goes on, right?
Then let it go on.

But then, there will always be rebuttals, so yeah. Just clearing my over-thinking brain.

I read some comments about the poverty in Singapore, that people say our population is small, so there shouldn't be poverty. Where's the logic though.. Even in a family, there will be someone who's poor, who can't afford the same as the other family members. Even in a tribe and even in a population of hundreds, there is poverty everywhere. We can only do so much to help and so does the government. No one is delusional that there's 0% starvation and poverty in Singapore because every year there's charities, there's food drive and donations, how to be delusional?
It's clear that PAP is not that awesome anymore, but there is just not much good opposition party to be confident in.
And there's the support of haters due to anger that might lead to the destruction of the nation, two wrongs don't make a right, you know.. Also, because of how materialistic the world is now, new "politicians" arise for personal gains and can fall for corruption easily..

Don't wanna touch on FTs 'cause I've said it so many times too.
Just don't blame the government for the fault that's yours.

Rest in great peace. :)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

How do you classify this?

So, Sir Robin Williams just passed away.. Suicide due to depression. A facade of smile to hide the amount of darkness and negativity in him. A great loss for the world, and a great wake up call to this materialistic and superficial world we're living in.

Not to say that I've been through depression, but what I've went through recently was literally a living nightmare. And even without this experience, I'm able to understand just how it is to make others laugh and retreat to a dark room..

Here's what I wrote on Facebook,
"Depression is honestly not just being upset and purely sad because of something. It's practically feeling hopeless being alive and unworthy of anyone's love. It's a scary feeling, combining with fear and anxiety, you just let yourself drown despite everyone trying to pull you up.. But slowly, one by one will let go as your negativity is overwhelming and you're not responding well.
Hope is something depressed people have to see. To want to pull themselves up, to know it is something they have to get out and that they can. There will be relapses, but they should not be afraid even though it is scary by the thought. Just get stronger each time..
So, always be there for someone you know that's filled with negativity.. Of course, take care of your positivity too.
Sometimes, the people who makes others happy are just preventing others ending up like their behind-the-doors self."

I read somewhere that people have different takes on depression, but I feel that those who went through would understand the scary and hopeless feeling you have. For me, I did not have it till the point of suicide, I just didn't like living.. I just existed.

And my hands are still full, but I'm slowly dropping them one by one..
I remember how everything turned out bad, into a nightmare. Yes, it had to do with my love life, but I'm not blaming anyone but myself for this..

All happened because of one click, everything turned upside down. I had fear in me, filled myself with guilt, overwhelmed by hurt, overcomed by shame, hidden anger and resentment, and lastly regretting my action by a click.

I was the one who thought I was strong enough to hold up someone, but it was also then, I realise how much I missed positivity, how my mind was already on the verge of giving up. Focusing all your energy on to someone and forgetting yourself, is wrong from the start. If you start to neglect yourself, you lower your self worth, you increase your self-doubt, you feel confused and lost, you start seeking something else.
For me, I neglected my health, my soul, my happiness and I didn't have self love.

So I can't speak in chronological order but everything was just weird, crazy, scary and ridiculous.
And it seems like a dream with a mixture of nightmares.

It was just that, I never knew I would end up like this. And there were lots of reasons, lots of mistakes, but what's done, done right? It's easy to say, but really tough to do.

I remember how cognitive distortion came to play all these while, it was because of this, everything went haywire, every feeling became messed up. I controlled myself, my heart, I controlled all my thoughts, feelings and emotions, finding a reason behind everything. I started to fear having some random stupid feelings for another guy, so I became neutral at everything. I acknowledge the fact that it's a happy situation, I know people are happy and I know I'm suppose to be happy too, but how can I?

I mean, I don't deserve it at all, neither do I deserve anything else. I see myself bringing pain to someone who loves and care for me so much, and that feeling of being conscious of how much the pain is yet you still have to speak the truth, hurts both ways. I really hated myself.
I lost confidence in myself, in my abilities, I became indecisive (am still now), from there self-doubt grew, self-pity enhanced. I tried to find reasons and explanations, hoping something will make it okay, but they don't.

There were two sides of me, as crazy as it sounds. The consciousness that came back to reality and the mind that pulls it down saying, "No, remember what you did. How can you even deserve this?". I kept dwelling on it, I don't know how could I even end up this way.

Everything was ok, until that one regretful click.

It haunts me. That name.

I remember clearly, standing behind a glass wall, observing people yet subconsciously responding the way I used to. How every time I slept in school, waking up feeling good, like everything's over and everything's ok, but got reminded of that incident, I felt like I fell back into a dream.
I couldn't talk to anyone what really happened, what's going on with all these ridiculous problems appearing in our relationship. So the only person I could talk to, was myself.

Sometimes, I just wish to faint in my boyfriend's arms and hope that everything will be alright when I wake up. Like I would forget every single disastrous stuff that happened so that I won't be so miserable and I can forgive myself.
I also realised how controlling I was in this relationship but it's just that, I wished to make it better.

Back to the behind the glass, it was really scary. How you would drag your feet everyday, try to laugh when everyone's laughing, how your mind responds 2 seconds slower and how your body respond 2 seconds later. How you had to control yourself from feeling anything positive, how every single feeling became a fear except sadness.
And in order not to think about anyone else, so to prevent anymore mess up, I became OCD in my mind, obsessed with having the image of my boyfriend in my mind. And only his. Somehow, I couldn't remember his face ever since I've met him and, I've never really remember any faces of people I like. So, I forced myself to remember his face and stick it in my mind, constantly just having it there, and when I can't remember, I panic. I surrounded myself with things of him so that I won't slip away. I was scared that if I don't do this, it meant that I don't love him anymore. So everyday, it just repeats and repeats, in different manners.

I only allowed myself to be happy around girls and stick to girls. And whenever I was with guys, I feel guilty if I laugh with them, talk to them.. But yet, I didn't wish to ruin the friendship between anyone because of this. As much as I didn't want anyone to talk to me or talk to anyone, I wanted to talk to someone just so desperately. But I had guilt, immense guilt and immense fear. I felt everyone avoiding me and fearing me because of my negativity and my quietness. I didn't like it, but I just had to do it to keep myself in check.

I didn't want to do self-pity either, neither wanting anyone to sympathize me. Whenever someone asks "What happened?", I do have the strong urge to just cry and blabber everything out but, I will tell myself, "Nope, don't do self-pity."

Yet, with this, I still wanted to make people happy. To say, don't go, I'm still the same.

Music became noise, no music became a horror in mind. I couldn't sleep, I kept find more answers and reasons to why.. Why can't I just let this incident go, when I already figured it out.

So, what I had was a complete mixture of a lot of things.
I was afraid of myself hurting everyone and losing my mind, I worried about the future whether we would still be together or not, about my indecisiveness and whether I could ever be the same, I kept seeking certainty for answers, I made sure my feelings made sense, I was filled with anxiety, fear and guilt. "What if" and "Should have" were flooding too.
I self-diagnose myself having Agrophobia and Generalized Anxiety Disorder.

I remembered my breathing to be very shallow (sometimes still am) , just slightly below shoulder level. And there was this huge panic attack during the last practical of Food Preservation. I totally couldn't breathe, I couldn't focus, I felt myself suffocating even more, I couldn't talk to anyone and I was afraid someone would see this panic attack and I panic even more. It was the scariest moment in my life. I didn't know what triggered it.. but it was fear of something.
I also started to know that my group mates are losing hope in me 'cause I'm not doing my work well, super sub-standard, and I was afraid that they hate me/judge me. And I pray not to fail any modules.

My room was a nightmare and a dream. I fear going back because it's where all the nonsense will start flooding and I look forward because there are times where I figured it out and felt myself coming back but as soon as I reach to the outside world, I totally fell back into fear.
Maybe I felt like everyone was judging me. (and still do, at times)

I didn't want to feel anything, but only sadness. I cried at least once a day, so to know I still can feel. I haven't really return to the "me" who expresses my happiness well. I refuse to let myself get scared or surprised or shocked by anyone or anything. Sometimes, when I accidentally felt it, I would close it in again.
That's where the prev. saying of my heart is like on my right, comes in. I hardly feel anything from my left.. and when I do, adrenalin rush. But afterwards, I would feel like as though it's wrong for me to do so.

There's lots more I have to say.. But I can't remember details of it.

Oh, there was these 2 or 3 days, where I woke up.. Feeling different, feeling back in time. Because of how my surrounding and feelings I was having when I woke up. It was like before all these happened. Felt like March, felt like a few years ago, felt like I went back in time. It was horrifying. I sort of panic, but managed to stay calm and tell myself, it's August 2014 and I have a boyfriend, exam is coming, I'm in Year 3.

I also kept second guessing my intentions.. Like what if other people perceive me another way? Like being fake when I'm not. Is this really my intention when I'm just purely doing things without any other intentions at first thought?

-sigh-
I know a lot of people would just tell me to give up on this relationship since there's so much pain, but there's something in me asking me to hold on. I know it's selfish, I know it's hurting the both of us by me doing this.
But honestly, it was me who made myself like this, things can always go both ways, you know? I ran away from myself, from everything. I wasn't prepared to face myself even tho, I had everything figured out. I fear of a relapse, because it's so scary.
I have this headblock due to stress and lack of sleep. I literally dropped from 47kg to 43kg. Shouldn't be happy about that even tho I have what I wanted, a thigh gap.
I'm constantly frowning and still try to prevent myself from being too happy, like my previous self.
Slowly, I self-help myself out of all these.. but still not yet fully recovered.
I can text like my previous self, but not really feeling it.. Sadness has became my comfort zone.

It's really true that I know what to do.
Most importantly, is to let go and have hope again.

It might seem like I painted my boyfriend in a dark light, but trust me, he is the light instead.
Constant forgiveness for me, showering me with love even though it isn't suppose to be him doing it (should be me, he should be the one who fell) , stood by my side even though I kept stabbing him unintentionally, staying strong for me, encouraging me, poking me out when I just want to hide, loving all my imperfections, treating me like his princess still, kept trying to make me laugh.

In the end, it's still me.. who can't let go of this guilt and shame.

I wasn't really ready for a relationship. Everything was in a rush and I accepted it, still. I'm really really grateful for him.

Now, he's in NS.. Can't book out nor contact me for the next 2 weeks or so.
I'm gonna face myself and sort it out..
I still fear myself.. and my cognitive distortion. Unable to differentiate imaginations and reality.
Slowly, I guess, slowly.

This would be a fix for us.. I have to let us go. And start anew.
Not a break up, but a calling for forgiveness within myself and face the truth, to absorb reality.

I thank DBSK and Daddy for existing too.. Especially JYJ's new album. Wow.
I seeked God's grace and help.. I know it's selfish for me to do so. But I still respect every religion's existence. It still lies in the power of the mind.

Should stop my resentment and blame, and reflect on myself.
Gotta start seeing positive light.

Do watch it, if you suffer from depression. Always hold on to hope. :)

I think, the next post, I'm gonna talk about relationship. :)

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Balance.

So.. I'm not really typing in the mood of how I was in the other times. Maybe just trying to clear my mind and heart out.

Currently, I'm not really me. And it's funny how I would know.. like split personality? HAHAHS Don't think I have it.

Anyways, how do I know? The answer is very simple.

Music.

Music speaks to my heart, my soul and body. There's a volume that I always stick to, and if I have inner peace, lots of feel will come naturally, the mood and style of song will just take over my body no matter what I'm doing. And when there's inner peace, that volume will be just nice and just loud, I could feel every word sang and I would have an aura. Yeah, party songs included. HAHAS

So, now, there's this period of lost and confusion, lots of questionings and lost soul.. My mind totally flew out of the way, overtaking everything, till I couldn't hear the music at all. Like I was closing my ear drums, figuring and thinking about lots of nonsensical stuff, fighting over who-am-I vs. who-I-am. But things just keep going round and round, and worst of all I'm still conscious about it yet having no power to control it.

I know the power of mind.. and it's tough when it goes haywire, helping you think about nonsensical questions to doubt yourself, to think of possible situations that make you fear over something that hasn't happen, help you prepare all sorts of stupid situations, making you mix up your feelings. Then your senses will fight and fight and fight and sometimes succumb to it. But then you stand up to fight and fight again. All you can think of is just this fight and your subconscious mind will still be who you are.

I started to look at the world behind a glass, not wanting to feel anything, not interested in anything, just trying my best to get my senses back and have all these nonsense gone.

But all I did was hope.. 'cause I was tired fighting everyday while neglecting everything around me. A peaceful sleep seem impossible without distractions.

And it will sound stupid that.. you would know you're back by where your mind is thinking and how you're seeing things. I mean, you know that moment of enlightenment, you start to see one road and see everything so clearly? Yeah.

Problems all come from a source. This problem, was caused by an imbalance. Imbalance of priorities, life and relationships. Derailed, totally derailed. I don't even have a clue how everything happened. I see myself being useless, being someone that I never wanted to be, being someone that's hurting someone that's already hurt, I just saw everything negatively, being very disappointed with myself. Literally lying on the floor hoping to disappear.

But life, life.. and myself know, I can't disappear like that. And neither would I want to. I have a blissful future in front of me, if I could just let go of whatever had happened and grab onto help. What I did was just to keep yearning.. that somehow I would magically stand up one day.

Of course, it's so childish.

So I started trying to find ways to get myself back up, ways which I see possible in getting up.

Can't.
You know.
'cause one vital part.
I wasn't letting go of what dragged me down.

Looking back at how I was so confident about everything I do, I thought I knew myself well.. But I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. Reading my prev. blog post and "Me. In Words.", a humongous difference.

How it got worse, is not forgiving myself and putting a shape into something that's shapeless. There are just somethings that are best to keep within yourself because you know where your limit lies, because you know people questioning you will make you question your confidence, then you start to think about so many things that won't happen because you know. You know it yourself, but you are just scared that you fall, so you stop. And you don't know yourself anymore.

Who am I?

Funny how you know who you are in the past but because of a knock, you completely lost who you are. But somethings still stay. I see myself doing things subconsciously, doing things like the confident me. Everything is figured out, actually.

If everything you think, feel and act have to be put in words for someone else to know who you are, you're not yourself anymore.. You just create an instruction manual for everything. Somethings are best done naturally, so that the definition of who you are, you can save the explaining.

Dwelling too much into the mental world makes you go crazy because it's a place where you can't figure out everything, you can't describe and list out the actions and all the whys.

So it's a balance. Sometimes it's good to figure yourself mentally, but not too much. Sometimes it's good to keep loving, but you still have to dislike something. Sometimes it's good to focus outside, sometimes it's good to focus on yourself too. Sometimes it's awesome to be carefree, but sometimes you still have to get tied down. Sometimes it's good to use your heart, sometimes it's good (better, actually, for me) to use your brain (to guard your heart).

And always love yourself before loving others and letting others love you.

Somethings are best to keep to yourself. Sometimes, it's best not to dig too deep.

Anyways, my body thinks my heart is on the right side because lots of feelings are popping out of there. HAHAHAS wtf. -sigh-
Only sometimes, my heart is feeling it. But I can feel it being harden.. Or maybe it's just my boobs. HAHAS LOL

Butttt.. I'll get over this soon barh. Another phase of life. Another experience.
I'll get over it, somehow. :)

Balance.. Balance..
Realised that I haven't been looking at myself. Really hope to get back to "Me. In Words." with a slight change.

Not typing this with my heart by the way. My mind is clear now 'cause I can hear music the same way as always~
Oh ho, and one thing. HAHHAHAS I have to let myself accept myself after proving myself. Kinda shitty.. being a perfectionist in life.
Anyways, all these problems, are stupid and I honestly dk why my heart is so hard now. :(

Goodnight humans.

Things are perfect because of their imperfections.
Time for me to betray some of my beliefs to break down being perfectionist in someway. But that sentence, I've figured that out 2 years ago.. But idk wtf happened for me to end like this. HAHHAHAHAHAS maybe I just need to laugh at myself. HAHHAHAHHAS

I'm cray, but it keeps me sane somehow.

Life is amazing!! WOOHOO. Hah.

Need to re-learn a loooooooooooooooooooooot of stuff, especially appreciation.
I'm really lucky to have you by my side, Darling. Even after all the stupid stuffs I've thrown to you, adding to your pile of problems.. I'm still grateful you're still here.

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Emotional Rollercoaster.

Currently typing in a mood that's there's no peace in my heart and mind.. Just a bunch of unwired questions.. So, I'm writing out in hope that it would clarify something and make me wake up?

Ever since stepping into a relationship, I honestly expected rainbows and unicorns, obviously I didn't follow through with what I wrote previously. I know there are bound to have arguments in one, but what I (more of we) had experienced is way different from all the other couples. I can swear to all of you, hahahhas. Or maybe it's just that I do not know of?

But in anyways, many many many things happened and I started to lose confidence in myself and the relationship being the one and only. Positively speaking, I actually did learn some things, changed a little of my view on maintaining relationship. Negatively speaking, I derailed totally.

Honesty and communication was the best choice, really. We told each other the problems we are facing about the other half and most of the times it was me. I felt quite demanding and he kept compromising.. At that point of time, I wanted to understand why.. Why are things going so badly? Maybe my mind exaggerated the situation but Idk.. I'm hurting him more than I'm protecting him.

Now, I don't know what am I feeling.. I don't know how love is suppose to feel.. and the most ridiculous thing, I can't feel any consciousness anymore. Like my soul, heart, mind and body isn't connected at all.

The viewpoint that changed was that each couple have their own story written together, what happened to others doesn't mean it should happen to you. That should be what I worry most? The unknown future.. My mind started to bomb lots of "what if" to my heart, what if this, what if that.. I admit, some things happened that made me like this 'cause I never felt this way at the start.. I started to have fear, the more I fear, the more realistic things became. I grew scared. Scared of myself, scared of loving wrongly, scared of hurting someone.

Yes, I did hurt him too, unintentionally.

Maybe it's 'cause loving someone doesn't have an instruction manual, you go with your heart and sometimes mind. Which makes me lost.. Like how should I be actually feeling? People say, butterflies in your stomach always, some people say, always happy when both are together, some people say, it will be the best feeling ever. But really? Why is there an "always", why should there be an "always"? How can you even maintain an "always" happiness?

Everyone loves differently too. Everyone's love story is different.

Society just makes every girl want a perfect relationship, society makes it as though the guy should be the one always giving in, giving in to the girl's "dream relationship". But how about the guys? Won't they have a "dream relationship" too? Why can't girls give in too?
Why can't I be the exceptional one, the one that understand knows a guy would have a "dream relationship" too and the both of us just work it out.

Strange things happened, it questioned myself more. Question about my love..
I know I can't bear him leaving my life 'cause I've cried everytime I think of it.
I did all I could for the relationship, is this love?



I held on to him when he wanted to let me go.. 'cause I knew it was his fear and negativity, and I had hope in making it work.

But then.. What is love, even??
It's really an "I don't know.."

But love is love, relationship is relationship. It's about the things that revolve around love, tho most importantly is about the existence of love.
Now love, this thing, is so vague to me, I don't even know myself anymore.

But giving up just because of one crisis is a tad stupid, no? Doesn't mean that now no crisis means he's the one. What if in the future it happens? What are we suppose to do? Shouldn't we get through it together since we've chosen each other? Why are people asking me to leave?
Just because he fell, means I have to leave? Does it means that he won't be the one?

Just because they always seem happy doesn't mean they will last, just because we're in negativity doesn't mean we won't last.

It's not only towards me, I saw people asking to others to give up because they don't see happiness in the person now. And for me, I always tell the person to give the relationship one more chance before telling them to make their own decision.

Yes, we have fate, we have choices. There are some things I can't explain here to tell you guys, me and him, we can feel the fate. Maybe it will be written as a no, but what makes you think it's not written as a yes? Just because of one crisis, it totally means a no?

And I fell, I fell hard from holding on hope.. But I know there is still a little in me because I'm holding on tight with my heart, whereas my mind has been stomping on it.
It wasn't him that made me fell, I made myself fell.. I hurt myself, and in the meantime, I hurt him too.
Some feeling came and it was so confusing. Why did I feel confused, why did I even ended myself to be this confused. Had I not done one step, had I just stopped, none would've happened. Was it temptation? It felt like something was trying to tell me something.. like making me notice a crack in myself, how.. weak I was.
Maybe, a silent cry for help in the most guilty way possible. But why? And what was that feeling exactly? I know it isn't what I thought at first because something flashed past my mind before this confusion happened but my heart was disgusted.

Then, am I looking for new chances? New fate even? But why. Why is fate playing with us like this.. I just hate it. Why am I even worrying about something that hasn't even happen, something that isn't happening, something that it's all made up in the mind?

Negativity doesn't mean it shouldn't work out either. I don't know what to believe. Yet, I'm still holding on to his hand, I still feel happy with him, I still feel togetherness with him, I still cry at every song he gave because it touched my heart, I still pray that he won't be leaving. With him, I just wanna spend every single minute appreciating his existence. Maybe I just need to pull myself back before able to pull ourselves back?

Relationship will have scars too, no? I know I can leave it up to fate to write it for us. But it's so mind-boggling about so many feelings and emotions.

So many whys.. Just so many.. and none to answer. This feeling is so fucked up that I honestly want to restart this relationship anew. Still, anew with him.. 'cause there's something about him.. him and me.. that we both know and understand so clearly.

I feel that I could stand up easily, but something is pushing me down. All these unanswered questions.. giving me headaches. Giving us headaches, actually.. Mental self-torture.

Honestly disappointed with myself too. Hahahas, best girlfriend... really? Elf? You couldn't even support yourself.

Yet, I feel the answer is just there. But my mind just wants to drill my heart (more of myself) with all these stupid questions. What the fuck, seriously. URGH..

The fact we've only been together for 3 months plus, and a hellllllllll lot of shit happened. Just feels like there's a reason for this. Not to show we aren't fated, more of like tests.. We didn't really started out good, maybe everything was a rush, so many wrong things happened and the both of us derailed at the end..

Fix things out, fix myself. Forgive him and myself.

"No relationship starts out with love."

It's true that I still like him. It's true that I'm starting to love him. 'cause I feel that in my heart, that peacefulness like before and that yearning to have his presence.

Maybe it's the amount of negativity present ever since the first incident. Slowly sucked away my energy, thought I could handle it when I couldn't.

I still want this relationship to continue tho.. I can see pure happiness existing, but it's the things in this fucked up mind, always wanting to figure every single thing out, always wanting an answer.

Maybe I gave up on myself and placed all the trust onto him..

I. Don't. Know. A. Fuck.

Why can't I just forget all these questions and restart.


Why do I want to know the future when it doesn't happen now. Answer lies with time.. and my mind is over-taking. All because of fear. Fear of the unknown.. Fear of the losing..
'cause we said to work it out and fixing it instead of giving up.

Guess I'm still in negative mode. Hahahs, and I don't want anyone else to help me except him 'cause he knows better and most people will be just "give up already" 'cause all you guys see is the pain that we're going through, and you feel it's not worth it. But I really don't think so of that case, kays, call me stupid and dumb, say maybe I'll regret. Maybe.We'll see then.

"Whatever's meant to be, will work out perfectly."



We've been too negative that we forgot how to be positive. We keep forgetting about the now because we worry so much for our future. We were too indulge in our imaginations that we forgot our presence. The both of us fell because we weren't as strong as we thought are.
I'm not leaving, and I'll fight my mind. This mental battle, just give me your support. :)
Help me face my fears..

"The battle isn't there in the first place."

Sliding between positive and negative.

"Instead of focusing on what could go wrong, focus on what could go right."

Need to stay more firm..

Daddy's favourite flower that brings positivity in me. :)

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

The 5th year since you've went.

I know it's kinda funny that I still remember him since I hardly talk about him on my blog and real life unlike before. But what a lot of people don't know that, everyday, I'm grateful for him. It sounds ridiculous, but it's similar to religious people giving thanks and being grateful to their higher beings.

Pure honesty. Sounds like blasphemy, but yeah.

So.. 5 years now huh.. Time really is fast. And we're back to this date again.

There's a subtle change in the way I profess my love and gratitude to Daddy ever since the 3rd Anniversary. Saddening and grieving as every Moonwalker would be, I'm not really that kind who cries and be emotional on this very night anymore. If you would look back at those years where I would cry my eyes out to You Are Not Alone, lighting a candle in my toilet and asking why is life so cruel towards you, and having to comfort other Moonwalkers or also known as MJfam.

I slowly learn how is it to love someone purely, not aggressively. Different people have different ways of loving someone but for me, fangirl-ing and defending against haters were just a branch of it, it's not the main action of how I love him. Unlike before, where I would scribble Michael Jackson everywhere, write down all his songs in chronological order, write down all the lyrics to one song,  have my mind just filled entirely with him. What I did, now looking back, seems a little childish, don't you think?
Does loving someone means telling the entire world, showing the entire world how much you love him, showing the entire world how much love you have for him? For me, it's a no.

This love, I would keep it to myself. Just have it personally.. Sometimes give thanks in the public, defending him when needed. Because going on to be a fighter for him is practically useless and tiring. You can never force everyone to love and appreciate him, neither even the least of respect. So I give up attacking the haters and the dumb ones who believed in the lies of tabloids, because they don't have the heart to change in the first place.

They will change when they allow themselves a chance to betray their own beliefs.

So this love, I keep it to myself.

I might sound like I don't love him as much as before, but it's not. It's just that the way I love him is different now. It's the same towards everything else.. I feel like I don't need to buy albums just to show how much I love them and compare it towards others, I rather buy posters and paste it all over my room. I don't know why I prefer it this way.. But this is the way I love. I really love pictures of them where I could always see them around me and it captures the moments and the genuine feelings of that person. I wouldn't mind wearing shirts of them either, it does show how proud I am to love them.. but in a subtle way, just showing people like "Hey! This person I'm wearing on my shirt is awesome", I rarely wear these clothes tho. Hahas! I keep it to myself.

So yeap, many people would deem like my love isn't strong 'cause I don't show like as though I'm crazy over him, some hardcore fangirl or something. I just feel, it isn't necessary.. Just you know I love you, I know you love me, we both know we love each other kind of special feeling.

I just feel that loving someone, have to mix in a little of inner peace you know? :)
With insecurities and chaos thinking, it will just lead to a rocky feeling everyday.
All in all, it's the core meaning and the values of love. Love provides trust, understanding, comfort, simple joy and subtle serenity. I'm not saying once you quarrel means it's not love anymore, but I do believe that sometimes disasters strengthens the bond and your love have to be more firm than ever during that period of time.

Still, everyone has their way of love, sometimes it's just different from expectations of others.

So, going back to my love of Daddy. It has always been there, I just choose not to show it around to everyone because not everyone loves him either, so what for, right? :)

My love mindset is just like an elderly lady who has spent 60 years of her life dedicated to just one person. So, as long as I have my time in this world, I'm gonna look after and protect that one I love. Hahhas! ^^

But still, I love the night breeze.. It just feels like Daddy's presence and comfort. Of course, I do miss him, but nevertheless, I'm always grateful for his existence and everything he does. Like a teacher, like a friend, like a father yet like a brother. He has let me see the world more than textbooks and my life would've shown, he has let me learned things that many would only see when they step into reality, he has shown me the many dark sides of humanity and the good sides of it, too. I've learned so much about respect, patience, tolerance, understanding, empathy, appreciation and responsibility from him. Life is tough, it's complicated.. but he also showed me how to enjoy the many parts life one at a time. So how do you not say he has played an important role in my life? And yes, still ridiculous to say but, it's like a religion. Don't they teach the same things? :)

So Daddy, I still love you and I've always been. Really hate the fact that you aren't around anymore but I'm glad that you've found your freedom and release. 50 years walking on this planet, 45 years of suffering.. Yet I still see you smiling through it. Thank you, really thank you.. I'm deeply in debt to you for saving my life. Your legacy shall live on..
I love you.

Sincerely, Elf.

-sigh- I still do run away from You Are Not Alone tho, still my taboo song.
And I still do have my fangirl moments, just that now, I'm partly emotional. HAHAHAS.

Oh well.. Life is truly amazing at times. :)

SIGNING OFF YOOOO~ it has been a good night. ^^

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mindless thoughts.

So.. I was scrolling through FB and I finally saw JinnyboyTV & N.O.C's fantastic cinematography.


It really is, mind speaking. Not that it has to be on breakup in love, but relationships like friendships. We all have those days where we accidentally yet purposefully drift away from someone, something and somewhere. Moments that lead to long lost oblivion, like you found your freedom, found a new space, found some fresh air to breathe again.

I have to admit, I kinda live my mind and thoughts like those videos. I talk myself in and out of situations, analyze stuff and guessing the future. I would drift off to my own world, like a lonely soul floating around a beautiful night scape, 'cause honestly, night is the seduction of the heart, soul and mind.

Your mind, the place to feel lightweight and also the place to feel stressed out. All emotions felt, you can live it in your brain by imaginations.

Here's some example I do on regular basis.

If you observe me well, I often look up to the sky because it's just so beautiful, with or without clouds, stormy or not, starry or not, moonless or not, sunny or not, the sky makes my soul fly. I would just stare at it, admire whatever it has. It's like an endless void for your mind to go wild, your soul to run free, to feel non-existent for awhile, just so.. spacious.
I would look up and think to myself..
"What a wonderful day.. Hi, sky. You're looking beautiful once more. Your beauty never fails to amaze me, your simplicity makes every complications fade away."

And it's always nature that makes me feel this way, makes me think in the tone like the video up there. It calms you down and make you feel in control of the situation that's happening now. It's like you and yourself are two different people, but you can control yourself and yourself can't control you. That's why, I love to be with myself, figuring things out, making wild imaginations and have fun with my mind.. Simple pleasures makes me happy enough.

"Hey, the grass is in such luscious green! Beautiful!"
"Wow, the flowers are blooming! The wonder of nature is amazing."
"Ohmygosh, this view is fantastic! If only life would be this great."
"Birdies!! My mini dinosaurs, looking so retarded-ly cute."
"It would be awesome if every animal could speak English."
"The breeze is so soft, so relaxing, so calming, Daddy, how are you up there?"
"These little stars, twinkling in the dark. Beautiful night sky.."
"Look at that man dozing off! Must have been tiring today."
"Look at these people rushing for the train, squeezing and frowning. Why not be early, don't get a frown and sleep before work starts. If you are gonna be late for work/school, be late, then go ahead and take your time."

I'm often seen detached from the world, staring at one corner, making me looked worried over something and if anyone were to talk to me, I'm blurred out. At these moments, I'm thinking about life, my life, your life, human life, animal's lives, and the meaning of being alive. I think about the whys, I find the answers to satisfy, and it's all done in my mind. I could just live in this mental world for life, honestly. It's so much carefree, it's so much fun, and much of serenity.

The world's too chaotic.

What I want for my life, is to people watch everyday. Just sit down and look.. Look at how pathetic the world has become and spotting positive people, watch the day go by and have a good night's sleep.

Realization is an amazing feeling.
It gives you a clearer view of your life now.

For me, as much as I want to have a relaxing carefree life.. I don't really live the life I want, I just live the life I have to live in and trying to make it fit the life I want, as much as possible. I just go with the flow, even if I'm much of a failure in life.

'cause in the end, we die. We all, die.
No one's gonna remember like, OH! There was this girl who was called Wanqiu, didn't have job, she roam the streets, she lived off her parents, she tried her best and did her best in everything. Nobody liked her. She has a blog of her thoughts and life. She talks to herself.

Nope. No one's ever gonna notice this life of mine in the future, no one's gonna learn anything from my life. So, I'll notice and learn it myself. As long as I'm good with myself, I'm good.

If everyone knows how to appreciate and love, I swear, the world would be much awesome and there won't be much grievances.

I view my life like in the video, so that I can see what life wants me to see, I feel what life wants me to feel. I realise things I have to realise, I help people realise the things they've been pushing away and I love helping people to do what they think they can't, only the good things.

Life is not simple, of course. But it's made up of many simple things that everyone complicates it.

Like I said, mindless thoughts. I hope I don't ruin your brain.

Do note: I'm positively negative, I'm not doing self-pity, I don't want any encouragements, I just want you to realise that things can be this simple, happiness can be this easily achieved. After all, life is really just.. nothing to you in the end. Let it be, yet striving hard.

:)

Friday, May 09, 2014

Relationship.

Took me quite an effort to decide to write this down, because after all, it's a gamble, like a real gamble and there are only two possible outcome- success or failure, tied down or break up.But then, I thought, first experience, gotta remember/note it somehow, right?

I shall first start off with what I had expected of love or more on being in a relationship.
I realised that I've been mostly an advisor to my friends who are in need of a listening ear to rant off their problems in their relationship, so from there, I see more heartbreaks and break ups, I see people feeling hopeful and then depressed, and for myself, I started to fear about being in one... Because I don't want to feel what they have felt/are feeling, and neither would I want to end up pathetic and hopeless.
So, I told Allyn this, when we had our heart to heart talk after NDP, it was really a nice sister talk which I've never had..
For me, falling in love is like skating on thin ice. You need to fully trust the person to step on the rink, fully trust the person that if you fell right through the ice, he would be there to save you or even if he leaves for awhile, you trust that he'll be back with a rescue team.. He will and never let you drown. Neither should he ever let your hand go, and leave you skating alone.
SO DEEP RIIIIGHT. HAHHAHAS but that's honestly why I never accepted guys in the past, guys who confess or drop giant hints, I don't really trust myself to trust them. Most of the time, they're immature too. LOL
Of course, there are guys that I liked and crushed on but then I realized, those are just, plain admiration for who they are.

Through others' problem, I found out a lot of what is to be done in a relationship:
You can't do what you think/feel it's right without considering the other half.
You can't give/force high expectations to your other half.
You can't expect your other half to know what's on your mind.
You can't run away from the problems that are surfacing.
You can't always blame the other half for the problems.
You sometimes have to give in and be understanding.

Bottom line: Communication.

These are quite the basics of a relationship, it's like a game, there are tactics, it needs plannings.
Either you survive to the next round, or you game over. Slow, and steady.
From then on, I had my own demands/theories on how to treat my other half right. And maybe it's 'cause of my maturity that everything is common sense or make sense and damn easy to accomplish.
So, other than a good personality, the next two most important thing is honesty and communication. I don't care how hard the truth is to swallow, I just want to hear the truth, just say it 'cause one lie is enough to break my trust. Maybe I have high standards in love, but I really just want everything laid in front of me to see, unless you tell me you want to hide it, I'll let you, I'll let time to give you the option when to tell, at least I know something.


I told myself that I would want to be the best girlfriend a guy would ever want 'cause like I said, I know that I'm not those typical girls. I'm a lady, and I probably found my man. ^^
It's still a probably, and it will be a probably until I pass away. Same goes to him and everyone, it's a probably. Not being a cold water here!! But it is the truth!!!!



Side-track!

"I believe I can touch the sky~"
SPSLC's Welcome Party was such a success!! Really really loved my group, my new found motivations!! They're all so cute, so bubbly, so enthusiastic that I can't keep up with their hype!! HAHAHAHS It was an awesome day! :D
Haven't song-signed for a long time.. I do miss performing. :(

For now, I need to focus more on studies!! Reports and projects are piling up, but I'm glad for my efficient class, tho still awkward, we're a little bonded now. ^^

Interview's later, hope I get the job 'cause money is important to me now. I really really need it.. -sigh- But I hope they have a range of job scope for me to experience, gotta fight hard! Q(@.@Q)

Tah-tah!

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Me. In words.

So, it's been long, again. HAHHAAS. Been thinking of who I am lately 'cause I realise, I'm not that kind of typical girl who is girly girl neither a manly girl. Does it even make sense...... OTL
Therefore, I'm trying to see if I could actually reflect myself in the mirror in words.

Maybe it's because I'm really unpredictable and neither am I typical unless you hang out with me often to know what turns me on and off. And neither would I head into mainstream... LOL BEING SPECIAL~~***

First of all, "Diamonds are girl's best friend." does not and would never work on me 'cause wts, DIAMONDS ARE SO PLAIN. I would rather sapphires, rubies and amethyst rather than diamonds. 'cause why? They have colours! I love things with colours. :D

As much as I would love to lose weight, I love eating fried and sweet stuff. Maybe I compensate this with proper food. HAHHAS I always start my buffets with dessert and practically keep heading for more desserts than the main courses out there. I love KFC's two piece chicken too, THOSE YUMMEH FAT JUICES and also I love to eat steamed chicken's skin. Really really don't get why people don't like it.. that's the best part of it!! I know there's lots of fat but that's where all the flavour lies!!

Hmm, next would be mushy words... which can make me strangle myself. It's like, ew. HAHHAS IDK WHY. Rarely is aww, but mostly is EW. ESP. Farloy's pick up lines and greasy words, I could totally just feel all my hair stand and feel my brain nauseating. HALP. HAHAHAHS
But I don't categorise someone's heartfelt words as mushy 'cause it's their feelings in words, makes me understand and makes me feel how they feel, which I like it a lot.
And nope, I don't like anyone calling me babe or honey or dear or baby, like, ew. Esp. blogshop owners, HAHHAHAS. I'm so sorry towards my boyfriend, but hahahahhahahahahahahs, just noooooooo 'cause neither would I like to call them that, it's just so not me, weirded out. OTL But I don't mind "Love." or "Darling." Sounds mature. :D
Well, I can be really mushy to the people I love tho. IT'S JUST RARE AND IF I'M IN THE MOOD TO. :P

I'm not girly girl 'cause I'm not dainty neither vain tho I care for my looks quite a lot but not in the way people think about girls. I don't have any beauty regime, just normal like wash your face before and after you sleep.. If I go out and to look nicer, just wear coloured contacts, liner and tinted lipbalm. I totally give up on putting foundation and stuff 'cause it's hella tiring!! Plus, these are enough for me to look nicer so, HAH DONE DEAL.
Basing on situation, my seating position can very much be like a man. LMAO HAHAHAHS BUT BASE ON SITUATION YO. 

From there, I think you could figure out that I'm super lazy and, yeap, I am. :)
My room is damn messy and my things are like everywhere in my house. BUT I CAN FIND THEM IN THIS WAY. If it's so neat, I won't even want touch it larh, like leave it, don't mess with it!
One weird thing is that I will neatly arrange things for others instead of myself. HOHOHO, free labor. LMAO maybe it's 'cause I love to help others more than myself and that I value others more than myself. ^^/

And so, I think for others more than myself and often putting myself in their shoes. HAHAHS I'm also not the kind of girl who will let other people help me unless I need/want their help. 'cause to my mind it's like, ruining my plan? Damn, idk how to explain.
It's more of, if I ask for your help, I REALLY NEED YOUR FREAKING HELP or you don't touch me at all. I have hands and legs and brains to do it, lemme do it. I don't wanna trouble you either.
So, aka, I really detest girls/ladies who let their boyfriend/husband carry their bags for them. Friend is ok larh~ 'cause it's like teasing and playing around but this is.. LOL you getting a slave? Unless it's damn heavy then yeah~ but if it's your HANDBAG or any bag that has girly touches to it, then pls, for the sake of YOUR MAN'S PRIDE can you just carry it yourself? You have the mouth to say "no" and the rights to force him not to carry your stuff.. It just looks and feels wrong to me, letting a guy carrying a handbag. LOL ok, maybe some guys love giving princess treatment and some girls (GIRLS) love being treated like that, but just not me. It's not chivalry pls, guys, 'cause one day you'll be sick and tired of carrying your girl's stuff and you would question why you wanna torture your pride as a man, so don't start it in the first place.

Ah! Another big point. Branded goods aren't my type even though I'm quite materialistic.. Especially for bags. I need no LV, Prada or whatevaaaaa, just a normal bag that is good enough to carry my stuff is enough~ Like those $5 tote bags, ya' know. :D And their designs are nice too, so why not.
Don't really get the hype of exp. bags.. they look ugly to me.. Maybe 'cause I prefer something nice and meaningful on it rather than the brand itself. HAHAHAS But really, what for pay so much for a bag. If it's a phone, it's understandable, at least there's many functions to it but, A BAGGGGG. WTS. What else can it do other than to carry your stuffffff?
But for beauty products, the most ex I can go is $40. Call me cheapo but I'm a tight budget person. :D

Annnd, Disney movies. LOL I.. really never know the entire story of one princess, maybe except for Frozen's. But I don't get Disney, it's too fake and fairytale-romantic.. you won't even get this person on Earth in the first place. For now, I think Disney is taking on a more realistic view on society? Which is good and suit my taste.
But I like Marvel and DC, and I know it's fake too. But at least the romance side is something that no one will ever know how it is like and is kinda real too. I mean, dating a hero, it's gonna be DAAAMN TOUGH. Similar to dating a celeb, just this is more dangerous!! So it makes more sense.

Oh, soft toys and plushies are annoying to me. HAHAS I might go crazy in the store but please, just don't buy me one.. It's gonna rot in my room and have to throw it away. I rather you gimme the money you spent on buying that, to me. \($.$)/ HAHAHHAS but really. How do the other girls really love it when someone buys them a huge plushie.. so freaking obstructive to bring it home..Hah. PLUS ALL IT DOES IS TO SIT ON YOUR BED AND DO NTH. Maybe it brings memories, maybe you love plushies, well, I just don't get that part. OTL

Then, one very obvious point of me. I LOVE TO GAME. But of course, game in the games that I know how to play.. Unlike LoL or Dota, which I ultimately catch no freaking ball so I don't play it. Other than that, I'M HAPPY. HAHAHAS I love shooting games, dk why. I love testing my accuracy ever since young. Heh.

And, I'm, erm, very vulgar. HAHAHS That's when you step on to my land mine, you're gonna say "OHMAIGWAD" to hell. ^^ So I always say: "I'm kind, don't make me bite." But I love to joke in a vulgar way and if I do, it means you're really mah good friend! :D Esp, my cliques!! I always spew the eff word like it's free (but it is free, what) in a playful manner, no harm done. You can detect my mood easily.. so yeah, BEWAREE.. Zee eff word eez mah best fwen~

I have my limits to my patience even though it might seem that it can stretch a million miles long, and I don't really show hell upfront tho. It's more like giving you cold hell.. hahahas the irony. But yeah. I'm good. And I forgive way tooooo easily because I focus lots on the positive things of a person. Tho it doesn't mean they can repeat it.. If they do again then maybe that's the last time they'll see me talking to them. HAHAHAHS but honestly, the second time is a choice of yours because clearly you know where the land mine is.

I'm highly emotional.. and I believe in horoscope so.. I blame it on Virgo. HAHHAHAS Honestly, never have I not cry in a cinema. Just anything that has to do with harmony, peace, teamwork, success, a good guy's death, I CREEEEEYYYY MAHHH EYEEESSS OUTTTT. And I'm easily influenced by surrounding moods, especially negative ones. T__T super sensitive to them.
I sound like I have bi-polar or schizophrenia and I do wonder. But I don't think I have it, maybe not so extreme, maybe it's natural.. Maybe. .-.

I'm super picky with food!! Forever eating atas food.. Idk why, I always find the more expensive one appetizing then realising the expensiveness and head for a cheaper alternative. I guess my life is all about cheaper alternative in things. I love fruits, love a few species of veggies and love meat. HAHHAHAS I do go for interesting flavours too! I think this is the only adventurous part of me. XD

And this.. err, I love catching insects and eating insects. NOT CATCH AND EAT THEM OK, unless it's ants and that was last time. But still, I don't run and scream when I see a lizard or roach, I'M SUPER INTERESTED IN CATCHING THEM INSTEAD. HAHAHS Maybe it's 'cause of my mum? But idk why since Pri sch, I'm not scared of insects. o.o maybe for the love of science~~ And they are cute.. except for roaches, they are so alien-like!!! Ew.

I actually did describe myself a little during the 30 day blog challenge found in September 2012 which if anyone is interested or bored can just take a peek. Part of me in words is there..
So yeah. What the heck am I. o.o
I can actually think in both, a guy and a girl's way, which makes me question my mind's gender. Do brains have gender? HAHAHHAS WTF.

Ok, I'm freaking lazy to continue alr. There's so much of me to put in words, I'll just simplify everything to the best I could.

I hate negativity and negative feelings, I feel that anyone whom I care for should never be unhappy and that the only one that can be unhappy is me. But I'm negatively positive. I forgive and trust people's words too easily, but it's not all 100%. My imagination is spectacular till the point I somehow feel its real. I always imagine possible situations that might happen before making decisions and to make my heart be mentally prepared. My emotions are scary and easily affected by surroundings. I'm quite calm and assertive (aka pokerface) until nervousness breaks in. I dislike being lost and unclear instructions therefore, I don't like it when people are hinting or giving clues, like wtf, just say what you want to say manz. But I do play hints sometimes, to tease people. I can't stand nor sit drama and fake people 'cause obviously that isn't them so for what put up this act? -.-
I love nature a lot, so, cities aren't really my thing. COUNTRYSIDE FTW~
I hardly dislike anyone and would.. I guess, never hate anyone? I won't really reach the level of hate no matter what the person does, 'cause I'll forgive myself to forgive them. I like respecting people, makes me stay humble and makes the person feel appreciated. Even if you annoy me, I would still reply your irritating bullshits in form of respect, but you can feel me being annoyed. I value honesty first and respect second. Actions more than words, I love long texts and letters but appreciate small gestures too. Never liked promises tho, 'cause it's bound to be broken. Relationships between humans, between humans and other species and between humans and things are really precious to me, so I really love everyone/everything whom/which I care for. Everything I own have a significant emotional value towards it, therefore my room is fill with stuff collecting dust. (or maybe I'm just super lazy to throw...)
I think I'm a scary person because of what my mind thinks, I mean c'mon, the way I could think of how to kill someone who is stepping on my limits. But I can understand people's action easily, find their good and bad by just them doing normal stuff and speaking to others. I love people watching, and would often imagine me as them in their moment, what would they see and how would they feel. I just love anyone who can make me laugh all the time and I love making people laugh. I don't mind being silly around friends, making myself look stupid in front of people I care for. I love going crazy with people.
I love and hate my family a lot, I'm glad to have them but sometimes wonder why I have to exist in this family. I really love giving love to people who really deserves them but do not receive them often, 'cause I want them to feel appreciated since I know how it feels having the world away from you. I'm used to loneliness a lot, so I don't really mind being alone and greets loneliness like a friend! :) Tho, I'm quite active around people, I do rather want time by myself, just feeling calm and serene, to empty my mind and break off the chains of society- Introvert Extrovert. I'm always quiet till you open me up.
I feel like an open book, I'm easy to read and understand 'cause what you are looking at is who I am, just at different stages. I'm independent, I guess, but I do really need to rely on someone sometimes and the person would be Michael Jackson. :)
Erm, I do detest stupidity especially when it comes to common sense and when someone doesn't have it and talks at the wrong timing... whyyy doooo theyyyy existtttt. Urgh. BUUUT. In form of respect, I'll just hold my facepalmings and chant "fuck you" in my heart. HAHAHAHS Of course, if it's funny, it's funny, if it's cute, it's cute. I don't really have problems with this unless it's like Alvin. HAHHAHAHAS Sorry Alvin, you're still my friend kays!
Hmm, money. I treasure it a lot, and people calls me money face, but really what. If the stuff is of no useful value then gimme the monetary value instead. :D HAHHAHAS
I really dislike people doubting me 'cause I grew up in an environment where people (aka family) are always doubting the things I can do and AM CERTAIN THAT I COULD DO. Like fuck, you're not me, you don't fucking know what's on my mind and what I can do, there's no fucking reason why you should doubt me unless I doubt myself first. And I will always tell people if I doubt myself 'cause I don't want to do something that I know I can't or don't have the affirmation to do so. I hate people assuming stuff and jumping into conclusions too.. So rumors should just go to hell.
I do have this stinky know-it-all attitude, but really, if I have the facts, I'm gonna kill you with it. And I don't like it when people who have the ability to help themselves, just don't want to use their brain. PLEASE, YOU CAN SURVIVE, DON'T CLING ONTO PEOPLE.
I have quite an affinity with guys more than girls 'cause I know how bitchy and fake girls can be. AND IT'S SO ANNOYINGGGG, so I avoid making friends with females. Well, a lot of people would see this as flirting but yo, I have more things to talk about to guys than girls leh. Guys is just no drama and straight forward, so I prefer making friends with them. EXCEPT FOR THIS CZY WHO KEEP HINTING SO MANY STUFF. HAHAHAS chou brother..
Oh, I have hair fetish. NOT REALLY CALL FETISH, MAYBE OBSESSION? HAHAHHAS I always look at the hair and then the fashion of someone. Yeah, I judge people, but I don't base them on that? Does it make sense. LOL~~ Annndd, I get irritated by people who have no fashion sense. Hahahs. I'm vain on hair too. I would love to dye my hair crazy colour, have glitter everywhere, have pretty make up on (if I have the energy to), do my nails, get crazy, like Ke$ha. ;D More sane tho. Heh.
I love mature people, like omg, we are of the same levellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll. LIKE MEETING SOMEONE OF THE SAME SPECIES IN AN ALIEN WORLD YOU KNOW. HAHHAS.
I'm more right-brained than left. I love paintings, colours, arts, music, literature, language but yet I love facts and science, a little of maths but never ever thinking about accounting. And I study smart than hard, so I often revise at the last minute. It still work~ Average scores. :D

ok larh, I really can't think of anymore alr and it's a super duper long post. To summarize..
I'm kind, don't make me bite. :)

omfg this is like a encyclopedia of me.

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Bye 2013!

It has been such a lonnnnngggg time since I've last blogged!! HAHHAS 4 months ago manz!

Time really passed very fast. :)
Lots have changed, some stayed the same.. Idk if I have the strength to type in general about everything that has happened and that of I remembered.

So, first of all, the best of the second half of 2013 is
LEFT 4 DEAD 2!!!!!!

First started with Eugene and Alvin. HAHAHAS and then it became an addiction. Every week, tryna find time to play and at that time, I'm busy using Gerald's and my bro's acc to feed mine. Then came December! FINALLY, MORE PEOPLE TO PLAY WITH!! If not, it was always that pathetic us and one AI screaming at Alvin.
Next, MIRACLE. I LOVE CHRISTMAS. Steam made L4D2 FREEEEEEEE for a day! Everyone started to download and the server crashed. AHHAHAS but nonetheless, more and more people came in and, even, versus have no space to contain everyone. Best part: All are my friends, but they don't know who they are playing with. LMAO So yeap!! Having the time of my life now, every night, playing L4D2! XD



Second best of 2013 is
SP SIGN LANGUAGE CLUB.

Honestly speaking, I did regret at first when joining the club because it seems like everyone know each other except for me... soooo I sit alone, go to classes alone and I had no one to practice my signing with. So, I just felt like, "meh~ come for what.. -_-"
BUT ALL CHANGED, thanks to SPSLC FOC!! That's when I became more involved, knew the comm and the pioneer batch more. We laughed, taught, song signed, ate and go home together! It was so fun!!
I became an instructor, which I proudly wear my instructor shirt to school and taught a few students.
Then, came SPSLC's Leadership Camp. Very little participants but I'm VERY proud of ALL OF THEM. These future leaders, I can safely say, we can count on them. They are really dedicated, motivated and determined! Only with 2 days to decide, choreograph and practice a song to sign, THEY DID IT SO AMAZINGLY. Of course, my AMIGOs the best. HAHAHHAS jkjk
BOTH TEAMS WERE AWESOME. :)
Oh, not to mention, they also came up with a cheer in just a few hours!! LOVE these people. ^^
I'm so glad  I'm being a GL, able to meet my wonderful, lovable group members. We even went for lunch together after camp. HAHAHAS We just clicked like that. ;D

Another event, SIGNature!
Which I wasn't committed in the start. Only able to attend the last 2 practices... BUT.
VERY PROUD OF MY BS 2-2 CLASS!!! and proud of all the classes, proud of EVERYONE who performed. -creys-

A beautiful event and thanks sisters, Farloy and Loyloy for coming down! ^^

Then, a personal event with the instructors!
Thanks Amanda for treating us to Adventure Cove! Sunburnt, and notreally overcomed my fear!! OMG my heart nearly died on the first ride. Rode the lazy river and wave A LOT of times hahahas!
But yeah, a great day with everyone!! (lessthan3)


Next, academics.
Nothing else but to say I love all the subjects now. :)
Even though I foresee fails in my exam...... OTL But I've done my best!!
AND I LOVE E.MATH NOW~

Last, but not least, MY CLASS!!
Our class BBQ was the best thing ever manz. ^^ Had the time of my life with my beloved class. Really dk what to do without them. :)

Oh. Personally..
I've started to watch all the zhongji series thanks to FUNSHION. I super love the series now.. Really learned a lot from it. Also, did a lot of online shopping! ^^
(ohyah. I'VE QUIT MY WORK ALR. HAHAHAHS SO DAMN HAPPY)

I think that's all..... yeah? HAHAHHAS

BYE 2013, I REALLY DON'T LIKE THE NUMBER BUT YOU'VE BROUGHT GREAT MEMORIES FOR ME.
HI 2014, YOU'LL BE TOUGHER THAN 2013, BUT I'LL OVERCOME YOU. :)

Monday, August 26, 2013

A camp that opened a chapter.

Hello everyone!! ^^ HAHAHAS I know those who read this blog have been wanting a chirpy post 'cause the other are just too depressing. I'm so sorry for that, but it was a phase that I had put myself in and tried very hard to get out.

I realised that.. I can't escape from it without some help from others. :')

Yeap, that title.
The camp was from 5th June to 6th June, a 2-days day camp in school! Imma tell you everything that's leading up to those two days. It was a fantastic build up of mood and experience. ^^

On Friday, when it was our last paper, BIOCHEM.
I regretted many stuff but you know, it's too late to pull out and cry when you sort of half expected it so I went like.. Well, life, you don't really need to ace it when you're gonna forget how you lived when you passed. Hahahas!

AND THEN FREEDOM~ \O/
Had a hella of fun camwhoring with Gio's new cam!

HAHAHHAS LIKE FINALLY A PHOTO TO BRIGHTEN UP THIS DEPRESSING BLOG.

Then we went to Tiong Bahru so that Alvin can show off his territory. HAHAHAS IT WAS DAMN FUN TAKING PHOTOS AT VINTAGE PLACES!!

We found this road that it can be seen going up and down, like damn cool! So we took all sorts of stupid shots and LOTS of jump shots. C'mon! See how happy we were. XD

Then we head up to Alvin's house AND LO AND BEHOLD, HIS VIEW FROM THE KITCHEN WAS AMAZINGGG. Though the house is very small, it was quite cosy. I don't really mind that size of house if I were to live alone. Hahhas!
But the most shocking part of his house was.. HIS CLOSET.
I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, ALVIN HAS SUCH NICE CLOTHES AND HE DON'T WANT TO WEAR. HE KEEPS WEARING THOSE CLOTHES THAT ACCENTS OFF BEGGAR WHEN HE HAS CLOTHES THAT MAKES HIM LOOK NORMAL. WTS.
He needs to employ me as his fashion stylist for school, 'cause omg, he NEEDS this change. wtf. You dk how agitated I was while flipping through his closet.. it was a rampage, I swear.

Anyways, we went to his house to BRING Cadbury fingersticks for the class but we ended up EATING IT ALL up in Alvin's house. HAHAHAHS

Then we took a long bus ride to ECP while playing some games that pissed a member of the public off. Oh well. The game was really really fun though!! Hehe.

Reached ECP, we rented bikes and blades and HAHAHAHS, I freaking took the entire rent time to get to our BBQ pit.
But the worst shit was that it was about to rain and rained when we started fire. IT WAS AN AWESOME FIRE that Edmond had built! It lasted through the passing showers! :O
So, we went out and continue the fire, started to warm up our carbohydrates..... and damn.

HERE COMES THE THUNDERSTORM. wtf. f-o-l seriously.

Gio, Lines, Edmond, QianYee and me fought so hard with the fire, against the rain to only find ourselves back in the shelter after 45mins. -sigh-
WHY DID WE FIGHT THE STORM. HAHAHAS It was a useless battle.

okok, skip to the summary. We BBQ-ed indoors for a short period of time and after the rain stopped, we made another fire outside before bring both fires together. I gotta say, I really love the teamwork the class had. :D

THEN ZANGZANG~

MRS SER APPEARED. HAHAHHAS
LOOK AT HOW SHE STANDS!! Like some empress dowager, omg. HAHHAS



So, some went home early, and the rest who stayed behind, we stood till 11pm before heading out to find a cab. -sigh-
All because of the rain, the time plan was ruined, but I found that our bond with the class is quite good! I really love my class. Heeee~

Then yeap, the cruel part was here.
WORKING. But to be honest, I don't know what happened, work was really fun!! Idk. Time passed well, I was in good mood and everything was awesome! \O/
Especially the day when I had to reach at 8.30am, it was one of my best times at work. It has been SO LONG since I need not do LOBBY SELLING. Hoho~ And also, it was then that I realise the importance of taking charge and knowing the job as a barista. I have to take the initiative to be fast, to really take the view as a customer and also, to know my importance as an assistant to my barista leader 'cause it seems like she needs me.....Heh.

-I kinda forget what I'm supposed to write now, since it's 25/8/2013 HAHAHAHS-

But all I gotta say is that SPSLC Camp was really one of the best experiences in my life. It made me conquered stage fright, made awesome new friends, had lots of fun and last but not least, GETTING FIRST PLACE!! HAHAHAS All thanks to my group members, I'm really really thankful for them for making this solo Group Facil position easy to deal with. I mean seriously, just into three hours and my members are like joking with one another.
I LOVE YOU UH-HUH. team purple!! HAHAHAHS

Shengjie was my group's GM! HAHAHS

And then, from the camp, my journey being committed to SPSLC started. Passion ignited.
Song signing was hella fun, I swear. 'cause we choreographed Good Time and work has this song playing from time to time and I CANNOT FOCUS WTF. I would start to song sign. HAHAHS
Also, we learned Reach Out For The Skies, me and Allyn, mah lovely mei, started to song sign during NDP again! HAHAHS IT'S DAMN FUN!!
Also, I became an assistant instructor for Erica! Along with Shengjie toooo. We are damn joke during class. And I love our class too! They are really fast and co-operative. ^^

The senior song signers (that's us) had the chance to perform for BoundTheatre too! It was really awesome!! The atmosphere, the performers, the food. Hehe, it's OUR kind of thing. It was great, our performance was a success. No stage fright at all. :DD

OMG. NOT TO FORGET. MAH LOVELY OCEANS.
We are just a bunch of people who really understands sick jokes and make anything become yellow. HAAHAHS We are the 7 Oceans~~ Erica, Peizi, Shengjie, KimTat, Allyn and Me! ^^
We would totally keep joking during BS2 lessons, super funnnyyyy. And KimTat would always bomb us cold jokes on whatsapp. Eric, Peizi and Shengjie would keep using the voice chat. SERIOUSLY HILARIOUS. I cannot stop laughing during my exam revision. omggg

Also, this journey brought me closer to Allyn. My first ever pri sch BFF and I swear, we have lots and lots to update on and to share. <3>

That's all for now.. SP SLC really opened a new chapter in  my life, and I'm so grateful for it.

Exam is now over, only had 2 papers, Foodchem and BINSAN. Can kinda say it sucks, but I think my GPA will increase!! HOPEFULLY. AHHH~
And my internship is in school.. I don't like QC, so opt for research in school for $8/day. FML but it shall be a good experience before starting on 2B01! ALL THE STRESSFUL MODULES. -sigh-

I LOVE MY CLASS!!!

Annnnd, I went to watch  SS5 too~~ With Wenxin and YanLi! GOT TO SEE MIMI OMG I WAS SO SAD THAT HE KEEP GOING TO THE OTHER SIDE. T^T

Bought the lightstick and have LOTS LOTS OF PHOTOCARDS!! happy die. :3

Ok, bye. TIME FOR L4D2 WITH GENE AND ALVIN BEFORE ITP STARTS.


Favourite lines of SHINHWA's That's Right.

거친 파도 앞에 선
뜨거운 태양 아래 선 또 다른 날 찾아
☺
Standing in front of the wild waves, standing under the hot sun,
I discover yet another me.

그래 더 높이 꿈을 향해 차고 을라 더 새로운 세상 끝에 또 시작할 내가 있잖아 ♥
That's right, be filled up by that dream high up there and fly up; Because there I am, at the edge of a new world, about to start again.

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