HAIIIIIII. Yesyes, it has been ages since I've written something in here. Hahhas! But no one would read it anyways, so this is somehow a public private diary. -oh, the irony-
Pass the jokes, into something serious...
Been feeling very down and negative lately. I guess none of my laughs and smiles are genuine nowadays. It's like, I have to use thousands of tears to exchange for a tinge of happiness. I've never understood how I've suddenly became like this, how did I unexpectedly slipped down this dark path and avoiding the light that has always been shining in me.
It just suddenly dawned on me, how negative I've became.. I wasn't thinking positively the way I used to think. "Better than nothing" became something useless to me, I wasn't looking at the good at things and I've been silently drilling on all the negatives around.
Guess it doesn't make sense to anyone who is reading this. I just hope I'm not depressed/stressed 'cause I would never expect it to happen to me. And I can think of one savior to these thoughts..
Daddy Michael.
Been quite a long time since I've stopped listening to his music. He taught me so much stuff that no one else could.. I love him, but he's a pain in my past.. All the insomnia nights, all the crazy thoughts flying around, all the injust and cruelty that I somehow voluntarily choose to fight against. But somehow, his music, his voice and his feelings will bring me a touch of love that no one could give and it's something I've yearned for my entire life. -no one understands, right-
That, somehow made me positive in every view.
Indeed, I owe my life to him. I owe my strength, my courage and decisions to him.
So, I think I have to return back to my past and learn everything again. Learn how to become the positive me, to preserver, to appreciate and to smile even though I'm crying.
-sigh-
And you might be thinking what's with the phone in the blog title. I lost my phone, AGAIN, yesterday. I don't know how and don't remember. My memory always fails on knowing where I left the most important things in my life. I've never remembered where I last placed my wallet or phone. Some bad shit going on..
When it struck me that I've once again lost my phone, I spiraled down the tunnel of negativity and darkness. I had fear, anger, sadness, panic all jumbled up in one heart. I couldn't know what to do for a minute. To go back or to go home and call the phone? To have hope or to just admit that my life is just lousy this year?
Then it all boils down to something that I've been missing out lately.
RESPONSIBILITY.
I realised how bad my situation is, my life is, everything. Just because of that.
My studies, my work, my leisure, my spendings, my sleep, I've not been prioritizing them correctly at all. Everything just went hay-wired during the holidays.
Then I realise about something else that I've not been doing lately too.
APPRECIATION.
To me, appreciation is the click to everything positive and happy in me. That's how "Better than nothing" comes to save my thoughts in the past. That was the key to the positivity. I would just smile at everything I see because I see how important they are in our lives, in this world, this existence. But I somehow lost it..
Then maybe it was due to this?
I know right. Sounds stupid to somehow destroy your life over ONE SONG.
But, no one understands how I feel music.. or feel the music's feelings and how the singer conveys it.
Moon Hee Jun's "Toy" influenced me the most now. I really don't know how to say how deeply influenced I am due to it. I started to re-look at my pathetic life, my pathetic situation, my disappointing self and also the world.
I only remembered one thing that I told myself when I was amongst the morning crowd in JE listening to this song. Seeing everyone rushing even knowing there's no chance of squeezing into the train. All I thought was..
"Look at all these slaves of the society. Working so hard over nothing at the very end."
Then I started to see meaningless in everything. I frown, I look down, I cry, I don't bother.
-sigh-
I just really miss the positive me. I'm just really tired. Tired of being a human, tired being in this retarded society and my loveless life (not as in LOVEY DOVEY but just some care and concern from others, which is another painful feeling that I've never revealed to anyone else).
Sometimes I wish that when I close my eyes, I would just fade away.
Not really in the mood to do anything else.. Goodnight humans.
WHO IS THIS?
Just read on
Name: Wan Qiu ★ Age: Lovely 20
Growing up every 14/9.
Jane of all trades, master of none. Crazy yet silent.
I love many artistes. Michael Jackson, MOST. ♥
A Half-bloodϟHufflepuff NINJA
Music is my life and I love language, art & history. My face is filled with imperfections but see through me and have an impression based on that. :)
Warning- Loves to Camwhore.
SHINee, Super Junior, DB5K, 5566, SpeXial, Taylor Swift.