Is it that hard? To be happy? To be so happy that you really don't know what can pull you back into darkness.. -sigh-
After writing that previous blog post, sorting out everything, I thought I've gotten over it.. but no. Today, it brought me back again.
The same old song, the same old thought, the same old perspective.
I guess I have to avoid going towards that negative word.. "pathetic". Was listening to "Toy" on train and I was thinking about how I was feeling, what I'm doing, what I want to do and have, and then it dawned on me again. How pathetic my life is. -sigh-
Then during work, it was shit. I didn't had any mood and all I wanted was to disappear. I realise I didn't smile at all, unless the customer was a joking type -I LIKE- or being very very kind. I wish I didn't had work.. Or maybe I'm hoping that my barista leader won't go back to the personality which turns me off a lot.
my frothing, my spraying of whipped cream, my priority, my wrapping of sandwiches.
I SWEAR I WAS SUPER CONFUSED ALL DAY LONG. Idk what to do at all, really felt like burying myself.
then, after work, I had a very long thought in the train.. All I want to do is to be happy and others to be happy too. Why is that that tough.. why is there so many criteria to fulfill so that we can be happy. But I want to be realistic too. I want others to understand how pathetic they are, how pathetic humanity is RIGHT NOW. When they understand, their souls can be free.. they know their passion and love... but they thing is, NO ONE, everyone's so busy with their lives, they don't see how sad their lives are and with these thoughts, "Toy" is booming in my head.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN.
I just need to be more appreciative about everything, back to how I was in sec 4. I need that, I need to rewind myself, I have to stop being me.. I need to find the me that will always be happy. 'cause the real who-I-am of everyone, is negative and the feeling is raw.
Spazzing is currently the only way.
And other than this, there's another thing that has been confusing me. I really want to know the answers so that I know what to do and do what is right.. -sigh-
why is everything so complicated.
It's a new phase in life I have to overcome, somehow.. and hopefully I will. I need change. now.
"Why do we fight so hard to survive when in the end, all of us just dies."
-Me