Hey guys.. and yes, another depressing post.
So, I just had a call from my Cassie friend that I'm working 8.30am this Sunday and it's seriously killing me after hearing that. I don't really know why, but maybe work is taking it's toll on me now.. And now that I'm still studying and my parents are objecting to me working and that they won't understand why I have to work/not quit and that work doesn't know that my parents isn't allowing me to continue this lifestyle. And there's me, trying to fix this gap myself.
It's like being clamped inbetween two worlds and you're down to the point of breaking down.
8.30am. I know I should've talked to my scheduler when I still had the chance, but somehow, I just don't want to disturb her 'cause it's already so troublesome. I hate being trouble to others.
Added on to the fact that I said 9am to 9pm is the range given, when I heard 8.30am, I just died. Like really died inside..
Also, the attitude of my barista leader. I know she's doing this to me with good intentions, so that I will have the attitude of a barista. But somehow, it's adding on the stress.. I'm alr suffering enough with my dropping GPA and all these social interactions that she wants me to make, gives me the hunch to crawl back to my shell I took so long to abandon.
Through MJfam, I found confidence. Through my life in kpop, made me more active. Through the cliques I have now, made me so much more open. And now, I just feel like curling up in bed and flood myself with tears. Just why does work always have to make me cry. PPL and now, I've cried countless times for both.
I don't know.. Everything feels so fucked up now that I can't focus in studying at all.
I know I have to face all these challenges by fighting and not taking a flight.. but I can't.. I really can't.. There are some reality that I don't want to meet, there are some feelings that I don't want to conquer, there are some things that time.. won't help.
I'm really lacking of sleep due to the timings I have. I want to help them but I need to change my timings for my health's sake. I go to work feeling groggy and drowsy, like as though I could hug the floor, cry and disappear. I don't feel like working at all, I can't process the surroundings well at that time, I can't push myself to work and focus at that timing, I get nagged on 'cause I'm slow. But I'm just tired..
Tired of living so hard just to die.. Tired of suffering just for a good life.. Tired of learning life lessons.
I'm really tired of being human.
Tired.. of everything.
I somehow regret getting employed even though I know it's going to be a good life experience when I turn back and see how far I've come.. It will be, but I don't want it anymore.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
I just want to disappear.
I'll try to study now. Fun is just hours away before life gets cruel.
I know this is a phase many people will go through.. but sometimes, it kills.
Goodbye.. I'll pull through somehow.
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